Agency: United Registry for the Bureau of Unnatural New Zealand
Classification: LEVEL 2
Incident ID: URB-273 [The Tasty Tuesday Debacle]
Incident Date: [03/04/2019]
Date Logged: [20/09/2025]
Location(s): ‘SQUID PRO QUO’, WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND
Subjects Involved:
- Subject A: DARCY DANIELS (ASTRO)
- Subject B: LUCINDA BARNES (MERCURY)
- A-Tier Witness: CARL
- Field Agent / Analyst: A. FRASIER
- Logged by: L. ROSHBY
Report Type:
- Observation
- Debrief Summary
- Witness Account
- Narrative Analysis
- Surveillance Capture
- Unverified Lore Fragment
- Other
Report Body:
The sign outside the restaurant reads ‘TASTY TUESDAY: COME ON IN AND TRY SOME OF CARLS WORLDS FAMOUS CALAMARI!’. Sirens wail in the distance as a woman walks up to the entrance. Her long dark hair cascades in curls down her back as her shoulders heave in a deep sigh. She pulls the door open and steps inside, the light from inside silhouetting her and the huge item she’s carrying. A bell tinkles as she enters, and she winces at the bright interior. There’s grease smudged on her forehead, and singe marks on her shirt. The bags under her eyes are huge and there’s a weariness to her steps, but her smile is bright as she heads up to the counter.
An older man with a round belly and cheery face is behind the register, scrolling through a newspaper. The headline reads ‘LATEST STUNT BY SUPERVILLAIN MERCURY AVERTED BY ASTRO.’
She drops the large round object next to him. “Got a present for you Carl. For your ‘collection’. Found it on the beach on my way here.”
The man dips the paper, looking the odd item over before giving the woman a fond smile. “Found it huh?”
Putting the paper aside, he goes to lift the mechanical object. After a long moment of trying, and failing, he begins to roll it from side to side, nervously. Darcy raises her eyebrows at him.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Just… been a long day. S’good though, seems like this supering business is finally paying off for some of us, ay? I saw the article last week. ‘Darcy Daniels: The real-life hero behind Astro.’” He shoots her a knowing wink.
She blushes, grinning. “Thanks Carl. So, I know I’m late but I was really hoping you’d have some of that Tasty Tuesday special…?”
Carl winces, face apologetic. “Sorry, there’s none left.”
Her voice turns wheedling. “Oh c’mon, I know you always keep some aside. Please?”
“Darce, I really—”
The smile falls from his face as a cough interrupts their chat. Darcy freezes, tensing up. She turns, and registers the reason for Carl’s discomfort.
Another woman is seated across the dining room. Golden hair flows around a face that is stunning despite the large scar that runs jagged through her left eye, down her cheek. Sprawled out, legs crossed on the table, her body says casual ease. It’s the gleam in her eye that betrays her.
She’s here to cause trouble.
Her silver-and-red catsuit gleams under the fluorescent lights, absurdly glamorous against the cracked vinyl booth. On the table in front of her sits a giant serving bowl. It’s the “Tasty Tuesday” calamari special. All of it.
Lucinda wiggles her fingers in greeting. She pops a piece in her mouth, chewing slowly, obnoxiously. “Hey stranger! How ya been? Long time no see!”
An infuriating smirk lights up her face as she spears another piece with her fork, bringing it up to her mouth. Darcy’s eyes track the movement, her ire growing by the second.
Lucinda doesn’t waver, keeping the conversational tone. “You’re looking good, a little tired perhaps. I take it you got the present I left for you earlier?” She waves her fork in the direction of the odd mechanical eyeball on the counter.
Carl eyes it with a new wariness. Lucinda’s grin widens.
Darcy scowls. “Give. Me. The. Bowl.”
“Nope. Don’t think I will.”
“Lucinda!”
“Darcy!”
“Give me the calamari!” Darcy moves to swipe the bowl but catches herself, opting for glaring daggers instead. “I’ve been waiting all week for this, after your shit last Tuesday, and whatever the week before was…” She freezes, realisation dawning. “It’s been you the whole time hasn’t it?! You’ve been making me miss my Tuesday nights?! God Mercury, you really are an evil bitch! You know I always come here, my last little comfort and you had to go ruin that too!” She drags her hands through her hair, seething. “And now you’re here to rub it in my face, be the center of attention once again, like always. Just like when we were kids. Fuck!”
Lucinda’s grin is now a little less shit-eating, laced with something darker, nastier. There’s venom in her bright blue eyes as she stands and saunters over to the mini fridge on the counter.
“Well Astro, it’s really not my fault I know you so well. You should learn to be less predictable. Besides, ever since I first made you try it, you’ve always been a sucker for some good squid.” She huffs a laugh to herself. “Hah, sucker…”
A growl of exasperation escapes Darcy’s mouth. Both women look surprised at the noise. Lucinda bursts into laughter, mocking. Darcy looks a strange mixture of embarrassment and annoyance that it’s had no effect on the other woman.
Lucinda, still chuckling, pulls out a bottle, twirling it deftly in her hand as she makes her way back to the table. She flops into her chair, the sauce following onto the table with a thunk.
Darcy’s eyes narrow dangerously.
“Don’t you dare.”
Lucinda’s grin is wicked as she raises the bottle above the bowl, never breaking eye contact with Darcy across the room.
A pause. Darcy’s eyes are slits.
Lucinda squeezes, unleashing an almighty torrent of ketchup. After a good long moment she lets up, placing the bottle back down with gleeful triumph.
Darcy stares, silenced by outrage.
A beat. Time slows down. The world stands still. They are locked in a battle of wills.
An inarticulate sound of rage escapes Darcy’s mouth as her patience snaps.
Lucinda’s smirk vanishes as Darcy lunges.
Carl sighs and starts dialing 111.
“It’s happening again. Astro and Mercury. Yep… this time? Calamari.”
END REPORT.
Observations / Notes:
- Footage pulled from internal and external cameras.
- As per her usual MO, Subject B is not above using mind games and mental manipulation.
- Subject A demonstrated control for the most part. Proximity to “Carl” may have played a part in this. Further investigation needed.
- Calamari-related provocation classified under FOOD-BASED HOSTILITIES (see tag index).
- Having had said calamari – 10/10, would also fight Mercury for it.
United Registry for the Bureau of Unnatural New Zealand 
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